Monday, March 1, 2010

Great Unanswered Questions of Rock

If I had the media credentials, one of the first things I would do is ask some questions of rock stars. These questions have been bothering me for a while and I would appreciate answers. If anyone is reading who can provide some insight for me, that would be great!

To C.C. DeVille: It's great to be a rock star personality and all, but don't you think it is about time you learned how to play guitar?

To The Edge: Why do you insist on having your guitar sound like an engine running without oil? "Chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga" is fine for one song, but not all of them. When I listen to "What's the Frequency, Kenneth?" by R.E.M. my first thought shouldn't be, "Why did they get The Edge to play on this song?"

To Sting: Why does everyone think you are so spectacular? From your "De do do do, de da da da"-ing of your days in The Police to your yodeling solo songs, I know I would prefer not to stand so close to you. And, have you seen a mirror recently? Apparently a badger has attached itself to your chin.

To Jimmy Page and Vernon Reid: Mr. Page, you are one of the great guitar heroes of all-time through your work in Led Zeppelin. Mr. Reid, you have a jazz background that set apart Living Colour from other rock acts. Both of you can play rhythm parts on guitar that make people shudder with enjoyment. So my question is this, why are both of you so damn sloppy when playing solos? They are almost eardrum-bloodying bad.

To Slash: I would ask you the same question as above, except your rhythm work is sloppy too.

To Dave Pirner of Soul Asylum: Do you know what a shower does? Have you ever seen shampoo?

To Eddie Vedder: In secret, are you actually the anti-superhero Captain Angst?

To Axl Rose: You made us wait 15 years for "Chinese Democracy" and THIS is what it sounds like?

To Darius Rucker: Why don't you just call yourself Hootie? Everyone else does.

To the majority of country music performers: Does it ever bother you that you are basically ripping off 80's arena rock songs and just adding a twangy guitar? (side question to Keith Urban: Wouldn't you rather be playing in a Bon Jovi cover band in Australia?)

To Morrissey: Will you just admit that Johnny Marr made you relevant and without him you are just emo's illegitimate grandfather?

To Jennifer Lopez: Will you please tell me who it was that said you could sing? I have a baseball bat at the ready for the follow-up question with that person.

To Lady GaGa: WTF? Seriously. W.T.F.?

No comments:

Post a Comment