Thursday, March 18, 2010

An Apple is an Apple is an Apple...

People name their children weird things. Family names are one thing, but the crap that a lot of celebrities come up with are just insane. Case in point - Apple (Gweneth Paltrow's child), Blue Angel (The Edge's child), Bluebell Madonna (Gerri Hallowell's child), Brooklyn (the Beckham's child), Fifi Trixibell (Paula Yates and Bob Geldof's child), Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily (Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence's child), Jazz Domino (Joe Strummer's child), Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson's child), Kal-El Coppola (Nicolas Cage's child), Kyd (David Duchovny and Tea Leoni's child), Moxie Crimefighter (Penn Jillette's child), Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee's child), Scout (Demi Moore and Bruce Willis' child), Rumer (Demi Moore and Bruce Willis' child), Coco (Courtney Cox and David Arquette's child), and Prince Michael II (Michael Jackson's second son ... nicknamed "Blanket").

Had enough yet? I haven't even started with the Zappa clan. But I will in a bit...

I have to admit that a few of the names above are actually a bit humorous. I appreciate the humor of naming your child Kyd. But some of them (while they are all weird) are just a bit disturbing. Kal-El? Really? You named your child after Superman's Krypton name? You could have just chosen Clark or Kent. At least those names aren't from a FICTIONAL PLANET! And Jermajesty? Do you wish to have your child beaten senseless in preschool? Some are just plain stupid (Apple, anyone?), some have a bit of whimsy (Moxie Crimefighter, I am looking at you), and some just make you want to wash your ears out with lye (Blanket?? Really? You want to nickname your child as something you lay on top of your body in bed? Were you conscious during your pedophilia scandals?) ... The funniest thing about Blanket is that his real name is Prince Michael II. His brother is named Prince Michael. That's just copying George Foreman, who named all five of his sons George. I would have advocated George Foreman fighting Michael Jackson in a boxing match to see who got to name their sons this way. Obviously not now, but back then...

Of course, if George Foreman had won, who knows what Michael Jackson's children would have been named ... My money is on Enema and Lube.

(For anyone who thinks it is too soon after Michael Jackson's death to make jokes about him, settle down. I never wished death on him. And he was a good musician. But he was weird and even creepy. That has always been the source of the jokes.)

(Of course, the fact that no one even knows this blog exists is sort of humorous in itself. Am I offended by the jokes? Nope... If I were, would I write a paragraph telling myself to settle down? Not likely. So what the hell am I doing here?)

Anyway, let's get on to Frank Zappa. Frank Zappa, God rest your soul. So many people like you. So many people think you were a musical genius. So many people refer to you as hugely influential. Me? I never really heard that when I listened to your music, but I accept that you have your followers. I don't play guitar, so I can not really speak on your technique and songwriting ability. I will leave that to experts. However, one thing is for certain... There were times when your "sense of humor" got out of control.

For example, your children... Those poor, poor children.

Frank Zappa's children are named: Moon Unit Zappa, Dweezil (the nickname of his mother's pinky toe!) Zappa, Ahmet Zappa, and the worst name of the bunch, Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen Zappa. I bet there were never enough little circles to fill in for her name on Scantron tests in school.

Naming children should not be an opportunity to display wit. At least not with official, legal names. When my son was gestating, I named him everything under the sun. He was Lima Bean. He was Transformer Joe. He was Fetus McEmbryo. But my favorite was Scallywag. That name stuck for about 7 of the months he was living inside his mother's uterus. I teased that I would put Scallywag on his birth certificate when no one was looking, but I was met with threats of death. He wound up with a normal name. Granted, it is an awesome name, but it is not weird.

Naming a child should take some things into consideration.
  • Alphabetical order - Name your daughter Abigail and she will be the first for lots of activities in elementary school. 
  • Alliteration - While having the same initials can be cool, you need to avoid the Fred Flintstone corniness. Worse yet, if your last name is Stein, don't name your son Stewart. Just don't do it.
  • Availability of improper rhyme - Avoid names that rhyme with negative things. Children can be mean. Rudy becomes Doody, Enos becomes Penis, etc.
  • Don't make a name the feminine for a man's name or masculine for a woman's name. No matter how much you deny it, your daughter Larryette will never belief that her father, Larry, wasn't hoping for a son.
  • Finally, avoid the fruit and produce aisle in the grocery store. (Yes, I am referring to you again, Apple.)
I will throw this out there though... I had a revelation of a perfect name for my child after he was born. It will have to wait until another child comes along. It had everything - originality, normal spelling, and best of all practicality. It was practical in that it would set up my child for his/her future and it also made perfect financial sense! That name was going to be: Doctor! Doctor Rouse! What a perfect name!!! And think about all the money I would save on medical school!

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