Thursday, August 26, 2010

Ode to My Couch

Couch, oh couch
Nine feet in length
You stand on your dark wooden frame
So silent, so still
Born the same year
As me, 1973
I've grown
And you've changed
But just your complexion
(Slightly less bright
And velvety)
You seduce with your softness
Your springs now loving fingers
Gently cradling all bottoms
Beyond your temptation
You relish your role
For relaxation
As every living thing
Human, dog, or even cat
Has succumbed to your charms
And slept in your bosom
So be proud, oh couch
And listen not to the haters
Who would like to disgard
Your brilliance to the dumpster
Instead, focus on the joy
And the happiness
You have provided all these years
And will for years beyond
For you are my couch
The best couch
The most comfortable couch in the world
The orange couch

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Coming Up...

After serving a few months (location, name, and reason withheld due to legal advice from my sister-in-law's parakeet), Rantings, Ravings, and Writings will be back and better than ever in the upcoming days, weeks, months, years, and possibly eons (if the whole immortality thing works out). So hold on to your hats, hike up your socks, whet your whistles, (or any other cliche you prefer)... here is what is coming up on future episodes of Charles in Charge... um... I mean, Rantings, Ravings, and Writings...

  • The greatest family celebrity throwdown ever! Intrigue! Talent! Scandal! Blatant self-promotion! And SQUIRRELS! Okay, maybe no squirrels. Maybe.
  • More poetry than you can shake a stick at. Seriously. There is poetry so hot it will burn up your little shaking stick. 
  • An ode to the greatest piece of furniture of all time.
  • Lyricism galore! It may be closer than it appears, so you better step on the accelerator...
  • A man walks into a house. The Home Owners' Association says, "You can't do that one thing that makes sense." The man says ... How will it end? Is it a joke? Or is it ... The Man Versus the Evil HOA!!!
  • Political leanings so far left that you will have to french kiss Newt Gingrich to regain your balance. (What? I don't write political entries? I don't consider myself a Democrat or a Republican? I want to establish a benevolent government which will revolve around the lost teachings of Joss Whedon? Okay, okay, scratch the political writings... )
  • Actual reviews! Of music and books!
  • Guest opinions of people I do not know.
  • And, last, and certainly least, the life and times of me. That's right - my memoirs. All for the world to see! Here is an excerpt: "Day 1: I was born today. I don't understand why everyone is making such a big thing out of it. I was very slimy though. Glad they gave me a bath. I could get used to this." "Day 2 - Figured out how to resolve the energy demands of the United States without the continual use of fossil fuels or cow-towing to hippies and their magic solar power. Unfortunately, I have not yet mastered speech and can not share my knowledge with the world." "Day 3 - Figured out the perfect cupcake recipe. This cupcake will be so delicious that wars will end immediately so everyone can eat one. I have yet to decide if this discovery is better than the Day 2 discovery." "Day 4 - Hey! I can move my feet! Kick ass!" "Day 5 - My long term memory is beginning to fail. I hope I don't forget anything important, like that energy thing... oooo, look! It's a rattle!" "Day 6, or is it Day 7 - life is tough as a prisoner in this bassinet. I just hope I don't have to serve hard time in that crib-looking thing over there." 
So, be sure your butter is popcorned, your saddles are horsed, and your raise is roofed, because I'm bringing sexy back. (What? Timberlake doesn't care. He's too busy doing commercials with Peyton Manning. Chill out, lawyer dude.)