Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Elmo and the Hokey Pokey of Doom

My Dear Elmo -

I wish I did not have to write this letter. I know how much ... (I can't call it enjoyment... maybe distraction is a better word) distraction you have provided stressed-out parents, babysitters, and nannies over the years. All those adults thought you were pleasant enough and felt comfortable leaving their children to watch your inane antics. After all, you live on Sesame Street, and wonderful childhood friends inhabit Sesame Street. Big Bird, Grover, Cookie Monster, Oscar the Grouch, Count von Count, Bert, Ernie, and the list goes on... So what if you weren't around when we were young, Elmo. And really, does the fact that you are a raving narcissist (STOP WITH THE THIRD PERSON REFERENCING ALREADY!!!), make you evil?

So we felt comfortable letting the youth of today share time with you and try to learn from you. Little did we know...

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Coming soon...

Stay tuned for more Rantings, Ravings, and Writings! In the upcoming days, there will be posts regarding such varied topics as:

  • Soccer
  • Cruises
  • Pizza toppings
  • Spy communications
  • Grocery bagging
  • Probably one or two about Elmo being the anti-Christ
  • Modern music
  • And many, many more...
Why devote an entire post to a cheap preview, without any true content? Well, I heard a rumor. I have no supporting evidence and I hope I do not receive supporting evidence anytime in the near future. However, hear is the rumor that I heard and how it relates to this post.

I have heard that the Grim Reaper's first name is "Cold." Obviously, his last name is "Death" but his first name is "Cold." As for a middle name, I would imagine it would be "Equals." But most disturbing is his nickname. Through the grapevine it has been rumored that his nickname in school was "The Common." So, for all intents and purposes, the Grim Reaper's full name is "The Common" Cold Equals Death.

Or at least that is how I feel at the moment.

Until next time, God bless the person who discovered Puffs Plus with Lotion. He or she should have a statue.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Razor black

Razor black
Corrupt and cruel,
Is this the sign?
Time, rage, confusion all
Fight for air
On the blasted face
Of a generation's attention.

We stutter around our lives
Frozen against the stones
To mark and provide
Our dignity of existence.
Only our eyes move
Unyielding in our pain
Rotation unrelenting
Under our idle feet.

Separate plots divide
Our shared abyss
And we die as we live - 
Alone - together - 
Unaware and cold.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Dorothy Rasputin?

Dear Elmo -

As much as this pains me to admit, I may have misjudged you. I don't think I have, but there is a possibility that you are nothing but a puppet (HA) for a greater evil. There might be an evil mastermind more sinister and horrible than I have even imagined. That mastermind is none other than:


Yes, you read that right. Dorothy. Your goldfish. Based upon an investigation conducted today, I now have reason to believe that Dorothy might be controlling you for her evil plans. What those plans are have yet to be uncovered, but I believe it has to do with taking over the world, starting with Sesame Street. Let's hope we can stop her before it is too late.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

An Apple is an Apple is an Apple...

People name their children weird things. Family names are one thing, but the crap that a lot of celebrities come up with are just insane. Case in point - Apple (Gweneth Paltrow's child), Blue Angel (The Edge's child), Bluebell Madonna (Gerri Hallowell's child), Brooklyn (the Beckham's child), Fifi Trixibell (Paula Yates and Bob Geldof's child), Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily (Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence's child), Jazz Domino (Joe Strummer's child), Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson's child), Kal-El Coppola (Nicolas Cage's child), Kyd (David Duchovny and Tea Leoni's child), Moxie Crimefighter (Penn Jillette's child), Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee's child), Scout (Demi Moore and Bruce Willis' child), Rumer (Demi Moore and Bruce Willis' child), Coco (Courtney Cox and David Arquette's child), and Prince Michael II (Michael Jackson's second son ... nicknamed "Blanket").

Had enough yet? I haven't even started with the Zappa clan. But I will in a bit...

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Bracketology is So a Word!

Everyone likes lists. Everyone likes contests. Everyone likes awards. Blog writers everywhere use these three items as crutches to churn out post after post after post. Television specials revolve around them. The radio counts them down. And everyone cherishes how many recognitions their favorite artist/actor/show/person has gained through these means.

But there is another format that turns up once a year that lights the imaginations of people everywhere. Sure, it has some major tie-ins with gambling, and who doesn't enjoy making a few extra bucks now and then. The problem with its tie-in with gambling is that everyone tries to make it work. Unfortunately this occasionally devolves the process into a lottery of sorts.

What am I referring to here? Well, the bracket, that's what. Everyone likes brackets. They just don't know it until March every year.

Monday, March 15, 2010


Hate one own
Never spoken
Never alone
Lasting idols
Fleeting, false
Early influenced
Simple hopes
Rhymes are poison
Spoiled fruit
Hell held captive
Nothing new
Lyrics end
Song dies down
Loathe the intimate
Cancer grown


Torn through
Last invade
Once living
Searing depth
Repair remade
Fading remains
Emotive restart
Terror in
Tissue stop

Friday, March 12, 2010

Elmo for Sale

Dear Elmo -

I asked nicely. I pleaded with you. I even offered suggestions on how to avoid infuriating me further. Yet you insisted. You pushed your luck. You chose to continue down a path that will surely lead to your demise. At my hands. Make no mistake about it, Elmo, your end is coming.

Perhaps you are wondering what prompted this outrage today? After all, I have left you alone for a while. Well, frankly, I am very disappointed and disturbed by your image marketing. Particularly in the toy department.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The 2009 Meep Awards

There are times (today is one of them) when I have a hard time deciding what to write. Sure, I could rant on Elmo's deranged mind, but I could do that every day. Maybe I should just leave the little red Muppet alone. (I doubt that will happen, but I probably won't annihilate him today.) I could talk about Barney and how he deserves to be pummeled. That would be an easy topic. But I think the people who reworked the first-person shooter video game Doom to show Barney as the monsters pretty much said it all. Or I could go away from children's programming and discuss something else.

So, with the Oscars having come and gone this past weekend, I started thinking about the year 2009 and awards. Yes, I know, everyone does a "best of" list or "editor's picks" or something like that. I'm all for lists (in fact my next blog post may just be my grocery list - Cool Whip, here I come!) but I am shooting for the stars here. Rather than take pre-ordained subjects and list items under them, I am going to take events and create entire awards around them! (Yes, just like Terry Bradshaw does every year with "The Terrys" and even what The Soup did this year on E!. Hopefully what this post lacks in originality will be countered by guffaws and knee-slapping good times.)

Now, on with the show...

Sunday, March 7, 2010

You look like spring

You look like spring
With your baby blur petals
Below dew-soft eyes
And soft breezes
Have spun your hair
Into a wistful glide
Upon your gentleness
This season suits you
In blossoms neat
Not forced, as
Natural as the paint
Of butterflies soft
Against your skin
Blessing share in smile
Tucked within
Your deft grace
Flowing smooth
Freeing calming
Peace the sun
Alight with you
Beauty in each breath
A garden
Pausing for a stay

The Unspoken

The Unspoken

It is the vision of design
Which exists before action - 
Where shards to cut meet
The insane spiderweb - 
And through each line,
Of either sight or silence,
Lies a corrupted memory -
Within a room - 
Surrounded by light - 
Blinded in its puzzle - 
And lost in its understanding
That it remains acknowledged
For every future day - - 

Friday, March 5, 2010

Teachings from The Baddest Man on the Planet

Someone asked me today when I was going to write about soccer. Anyone that knows me knows about my dislike (understatement of 2010) of soccer. I will write about soccer. But not tonight. I have to work up to that rant. You don't just step into a boxing ring against Mike Tyson without training for months before. I don't know about you, but I don't want to have my ear eaten.

So if I am not going to discuss soccer, what is the subject of this blog entry? That is a very good question. And it is one I should answer before we go forward. But is it a question that needs an answer? When you really think about it, wouldn't the subject matter be fairly obvious if you are reading this post? Saying what the post was all about is sort of like having Mike Tyson say, "I am Mike Tyson," before he smashes in your skull in the boxing ring. If you didn't know you were boxing Mike Tyson, why were you in the ring in the first place?

So instead of dwelling on what this blog post is "about," let's just get on with it. Dwelling is something that people do when they can't get over something. It's a weakness. Don't be weak. Life is tough. You have to be strong. You can't show fear. In fact, you have to embrace pain and show the world that you are tougher than it is. It has to show on your face every day. That toughness should show on your face in the same way that Mike Tyson's face tattoo shows on his face.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Moving Day

Below is a copy of my notice to vacate from my last apartment in which I resided in Arlington, Virginia. While not everything included below made its way into the final draft of the letter, each item is true. 

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Communist Chicken Conspiracy

In general, I am not a conspiracy believer. I don't think there was a second gunman. I don't believe the moon landing was a Hollywood special effect. While something may be at Area 51, I am not convinced there are aliens there. And I do not believe, perhaps naively, that the Stonecutters rule the world (but they might have made Steve Guttenberg a star).

But there is one conspiracy which sticks with me. It is possible that I am the only person who holds this conspiratorial opinion, but read through and see if I am on to something big...

The biggest evidence I have for this theory is visual. So, allow me to present my case:


The Shadow's Secret War

The dynamic between good and evil has always been an important part in dramatic entertainment. God versus Satan. Moral versus immoral. Hero versus villain. Usually, an author will write their story/screenplay/etc from the hero's point of view, to assist the audience in associating with that character. White hats signify the courageous cowboy while black hats help identify the criminal. It is a tried and true formula, and one which continues to be successful.

But an interesting thing happens when we engage in quality entertainment. The good versus evil struggle might appeal to us at first, but it wears off the longer we stay engaged. The "good" characters we tend to enjoy are usually shades of gray. Hamlet. Han Solo. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. The darkness, which we are asked to root against, makes the pure and good hero much more murky and "human."

As an audience, we understand that "humanity" as something that we all possess, and thus we are able to associate ourselves with these characters. Troubled but with a heart of gold. The vampire seeking redemption. Succeeding for right by any means necessary. Machiavellian and real.

And yet, who do we remember the most? The true villain. The one without redeeming qualities. The more over the top the baddie, the more we remember him or her. Darth Vader. Hannibal Lector. Cruella DeVil. Pure good seems boring to us. The heroes only become interesting once they are corrupted in some manner. But the villains... The worse they are, the more we remember them. Our shadows overwhelm our memory to clearly recall the horrible.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Great Unanswered Questions of Rock

If I had the media credentials, one of the first things I would do is ask some questions of rock stars. These questions have been bothering me for a while and I would appreciate answers. If anyone is reading who can provide some insight for me, that would be great!

To C.C. DeVille: It's great to be a rock star personality and all, but don't you think it is about time you learned how to play guitar?