Saturday, March 20, 2010

Dorothy Rasputin?

Dear Elmo -

As much as this pains me to admit, I may have misjudged you. I don't think I have, but there is a possibility that you are nothing but a puppet (HA) for a greater evil. There might be an evil mastermind more sinister and horrible than I have even imagined. That mastermind is none other than:


Yes, you read that right. Dorothy. Your goldfish. Based upon an investigation conducted today, I now have reason to believe that Dorothy might be controlling you for her evil plans. What those plans are have yet to be uncovered, but I believe it has to do with taking over the world, starting with Sesame Street. Let's hope we can stop her before it is too late.

To detail the investigation, we will examine today's episode of Elmo's World. I must advise the weak and frail member of the audience to prepare themselves mentally for what they might read.

  • Today's episode of Elmo's World found Elmo thinking about wild animals. Now, why was Elmo thinking about wild animals? Even more important though, is how did a lion, a tiger, a bear, and monkeys just show up at Elmo's door? One must first remember that Elmo is a Grouch monster, not an animal. But Dorothy is a fish. Fish are animals. So my theory is that Dorothy used some magical animal telepathy to summon her wild animal friends. Or, I have a secondary theory, that Elmo is an amplifier of sorts and Dorothy placed the thought of wild animals in his head which was then magnified into the wild. Either theory could work in this scenario.
  • Once the wild animals are inside, Elmo states that Dorothy is thinking of wild animals too. First, how does he know that? We have discussed Elmo mental illness in being able to hear a goldfish talking to him. But maybe it is not Elmo's fault. Maybe Dorothy has a special goldfish ability to have Elmo hear her thoughts. But what might be even more plausible is that Elmo was able to deduce that Dorothy was thinking about wild animals. How could he do this? Very simply, he saw the miniature elephant which magically showed up in Dorothy's bowl. My guess is that Dorothy was able to make this elephant appear by simply thinking about it. Dorothy is a goldfish witch!
  • After some inanity with the Noodle clan, Elmo counts some spots on a leopard. Ok, that's not so bad, right. But if you look closer, you will understand the depth of Dorothy's plans. 
What is with the propaganda on the wall? Does Dorothy think we will forget about her in the amount of time it takes Elmo to count spots? And I assume the squiggly lines around the god-like image of Dorothy are supposed to represent water, but they may spell out some insidious messages to drive into the minds of the young.
  • This next point does not have much to do with Dorothy, but it is an important piece of photojournalism. Elmo always tries to ask babies questions during Elmo's World, always after Dorothy tells Elmo mentally that she wants him to ask other people about the topic of the day. Even though the babies do not answer, Dorothy is indoctrinating these children to accept the leadership of Elmo, her puppet dictator. However, today, this baby did not take too kindly to Dorothy's attempt to thrust Elmo upon him (or her, I can't really tell with the gender-neutral color scheme). This has led to rumors that Dorothy has set up a tribunal and a secret police force to deal with such troublemakers. To this baby, I declare, "Viva Resistance!" 

  • Skipping to the end of the episode, Elmo notices that Dorothy is imagining him as a wild animal. First, Dorothy imagines Elmo as a panda and then as an aardvark. Not only is Dorothy imagining Elmo as these animals, but she is able to display her thoughts in scenes that can be seen by Elmo and the audience. Such mental power is amazing, especially for a goldfish. Even though the myth that goldfish only have a memory of three seconds has been debunked, being able to create physical items by simply thinking of them is nothing short of amazing!
For even more evidence of Dorothy's plan for world domination, consider these facts:

  1. Dorothy has been around since 1998, and everyone knows that Nostradamus predicted that the world will be overtaken by a goldfish born in 1998.  
  2. In a world of Muppets and humans (as Sesame Street is) Dorothy is neither. Instead, she is a live goldfish. She is alive. She is not made of felt. But also, she is not human. By positioning herself as being better than the Muppet population (just see how she manipulates Elmo), she has established a framework to be the leader of a Muppet army. The only question is when they will rise against their human foes. 
  3. Elmo makes a perfect patsy for her schemes and also a perfect fall guy if things do not go according to plan.
  4. Dorothy has been outside Elmo's World at least 4 times. These missions to the actual Sesame Street and not the heavily guarded apartment she shares with Elmo (see previous Elmo posts) could be reconnaissance missions. Or she could have used them to plant the seeds of her inevitable uprising. 
  5. The first time she ventured onto Sesame Street she went to Dr. Gina for a checkup. Chances are great that she stole various prescription medications from Dr. Gina which she then began selling on Sesame Street to weaken the resolve of her enemies as well as to finance her schemes.
  6. The second time she ventured onto Sesame Street she was with other animals (Telly's hamster, Herry's bird, and Gabi's friend's rabbit) under Maria's care. We have intercepted a communication that this meeting was called by Dorothy in order to plan the next attack upon the human population of Sesame Street. Maria was too busy working to pay close attention to this meeting unfortunately.
  7. The third time she ventured onto Sesame Street was when Elmo was trying to find a "fish-sitter" so he could go to a sporting event with Gordon. It is rumored that the sporting event was a ruse established by Dorothy so that she could send Elmo to assassinate Gordon, one of the original residents of Sesame Street. Such a blatant act could only be an effort on Dorothy's part to obtain uncontested control of Sesame Street by killing off her opponents.
  8. The fourth time she ventured onto Sesame Street was when she was competing for the title of "Best Pet in the World." This episode saw Zoe, Telly, Elmo, and Baby Bear arguing about which of their pets was the best pet. The argument was very fierce and could have come to blows if Maria did not stop by to calm things down. However, the hard feelings were already there and Muppet fur was about to fly. Given Maria's hosting of Dorothy's military leaders previously, I can only conclude that Maria is a spy for Dorothy. But this is a great example of how easily Dorothy can not only manipulate Elmo but also use him to manipulate others.
  9. Finally, one has to remember Dorothy's place in the Sesame Street universe. Other Muppets have pets, but none of those pets are on screen EVERY DAY. Also, none of those pets seem to have mind control abilities (except perhaps Zoe's pet rock) or magical witch powers. Maybe this is because Dorothy is a fish, specifically a goldfish. Maybe goldfish are superior beings in the Sesame Street universe. Even if that is the case, Dorothy is positioned as the greatest of the goldfish. You don't believe me? Well, consider this then - Bert has some goldfish. They even have names (Lyle, Talbot, and Melissa). But none of them have the control over Bert or even Ernie that Dorothy holds over Elmo. In fact, Bert consistently claims Bernice the pigeon as his favorite pet, not any of his goldfish. But I have no doubt they are top generals in Dorothy's army.
Given this preponderance of evidence, fact, deduction, and outright speculation, we must be open to the possibility that Dorothy is the evil mastermind and Elmo is, dare I say it, innocent.


1 comment:

  1. After posting this, I came across some important details which should be made public. When Dorothy imagines Elmo as various wild animals in this episode, she is actually visiting "Tickle Me Land" in her head. According to a song about Tickle Me Land, in that land "everything everywhere is furry and red." To be more precise, everything in Tickle Me Land is a variation of Elmo!
    With this new information, it is obvious that Elmo is evil incarnate. In fact, Elmo is so evil that he almost convinced me that he was innocent in all the child mind destruction occurring on Sesame Street. He framed Dorothy so well that I almost believed it.
    But you couldn't cover your tracks well enough, Elmo. I'm on to you! You will be destroyed!