Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Communist Chicken Conspiracy

In general, I am not a conspiracy believer. I don't think there was a second gunman. I don't believe the moon landing was a Hollywood special effect. While something may be at Area 51, I am not convinced there are aliens there. And I do not believe, perhaps naively, that the Stonecutters rule the world (but they might have made Steve Guttenberg a star).

But there is one conspiracy which sticks with me. It is possible that I am the only person who holds this conspiratorial opinion, but read through and see if I am on to something big...

The biggest evidence I have for this theory is visual. So, allow me to present my case:


(photos from Wikipedia)

That's right! Vladimir Ilyich Lenin and Harland David Sanders are the same person! Just look at those pictures! Same mustache and soul patch. Same beady eyes. Aside from a bad toupee on the Colonel (which I will touch on later), same shaped dome. If you examine the artistic rendering of Colonel Sanders on KFC signs, the resemblance is stronger even.

Such a thing could not be possible, right? After all, Lenin's body is preserved and can be viewed in Russia. Could something so strange have happened? Could the soul of Communism faked his death and moved to the United States to create a successful Capitalist chicken fast food franchise?

Let's examine some additional facts and how they could fit with this theory. Bear with me as I present these possibilities.

- Lenin was born in 1870. "Sanders" was born in 1890. After spending many years in the cold Russian weather, Lenin realized the climate must have slowed his aging. He was a much younger looking man than some of his peers. So once he faked his death, he figured he would make his new birthday 20 years later. Vanity is not solely the sin of supermodels, you know.
- Lenin "died" in 1924. The company Kentucky Fried Chicken was founded in 1952, yet the idea for KFC's fried chicken can be traced back to 1930. That allows 6 years after faking his death for Lenin to escape Russia to the United States, settle in, learn English, develop a secret recipe of herbs and spices, and begin his conquest of the fast food chicken industry. This may be an ambitious timetable, but this is the same man who wrote roughly 30 theoretical works while in exile.

- Lenin's body is considered to be one of the finest examples of human preservation ever. Could this be because the "body" is actually a wax duplicate and not Lenin himself? It definitely looks much better than pictures of Lenin in his last years. 

- Lenin "died" in 1924, but suffered three strokes in the two years leading up to his death. The first and third strokes left Lenin mute, the last one he remained mute and bed-ridden for nine months until his death. Perhaps these periods of silence were necessary to remove himself from Soviet politics long enough to prepare his plan of escape and relocation.

- Anyone who has ever heard the Russian language knows that it is a harsh tongue. Simply learning English might not be enough to cover that accent. However, masking a harsh Russian accent with a harsh homespun American accent seems likely to me.

- In two separate thoughts, Lenin realized that his bald head could help identify him, plus his quick understanding of American marketing made him realize that the public would be less likely to buy chicken from a bald man. So he adopted a white wig to wear along with his trademark facial hair. Would anyone be fooled by this ruse? Of course. No one realized Clark Kent was Superman and he just wore a pair of glasses.

- Harland Sanders was given the honorary title of "Kentucky Colonel" in 1935, 11 years after Lenin's "death." As someone who guided an entire country through revolution, receiving an honorary military title would appeal to Lenin's pride.

- Colonel Sanders died in 1980. If Sanders was Lenin, this would make Lenin 110 years old. That is old, but not outside of possible.

- After his death, Harland Sanders' body was laid in state in the Kentucky state capitol for viewing by mourners after over a thousand people attended his funeral service. Does that sound familiar? Lenin's body was viewed by over 900,000 people while his body lay in state. Hmmm...

People claim that Lenin's belief in Communism and hatred of Capitalism would make this conspiracy theory completely unreasonable. Those people have a valid point. But to them, I would request they try this experiment - drink a Leninade (http://www.popsoda.com/leninade.html) while eating a bucket of Extra Crispy KFC chicken. 

If that doesn't convince you, look at the pictures again. I mean, come on! Believe your eyes!

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