Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Elmo and the Hokey Pokey of Doom

My Dear Elmo -

I wish I did not have to write this letter. I know how much ... (I can't call it enjoyment... maybe distraction is a better word) distraction you have provided stressed-out parents, babysitters, and nannies over the years. All those adults thought you were pleasant enough and felt comfortable leaving their children to watch your inane antics. After all, you live on Sesame Street, and wonderful childhood friends inhabit Sesame Street. Big Bird, Grover, Cookie Monster, Oscar the Grouch, Count von Count, Bert, Ernie, and the list goes on... So what if you weren't around when we were young, Elmo. And really, does the fact that you are a raving narcissist (STOP WITH THE THIRD PERSON REFERENCING ALREADY!!!), make you evil?

So we felt comfortable letting the youth of today share time with you and try to learn from you. Little did we know...

Elmo, first you took over Sesame Street. It seems you are everywhere and sticking your Elmo nose in everyone's business. You are in almost every sketch on the show, PLUS, you annexed the last 15 minutes of every show to spin your own little propaganda in "Elmo's World." You even managed to climb on the Children's Television Workshop logo at the end of every show. And that giggle... That distubring, hell-wrought giggle. It's everywhere!

Although I have been on to you for a while, I attempted to lay low, knowing that your minions were out there. But I can not hold back any more, Elmo. I must begin the offensive, for the betterment of our children. Because, I recognize now what you are. You are the wannabe Jim Jones, trying to make everyone drink your red fur Kool-Aid.

If you must know, the thing that made me realize your messianic desires was the release of your Hokey Pokey Elmo doll.
Now, in and of itself, you would think that a Hokey Pokey Elmo doll would be less irritating than your other dolls. After all, it doesn't tickle anyone or molest children. But it is the doll's message where your nefarious plans can be uncovered.

You see, Elmo, cults have been using simple and easy songs, phrases, chants, etc. to help bring people to their causes for years. In fact, the Hokey Pokey is often used as a recruitment and initiation song in many cults, not only yours. But you... you decided that it would be best to mass produce a doll that indoctrinated the youngest of our species to follow you. (I fully expect a Simon Says Elmo doll next. I'm onto you...)

The verses of the song are not objectionable - you put a body part in,, then out, then in, then you shake it about. All well and good. But for your purposes, it gets the children moving, stimulating them to action.

The chorus is where your plan takes hold. Let's analyze the chorus line by line:

"You do the hokey pokey"

Does anyone really know what the hokey pokey is? Is it the dance? Or is it more sinister? Given your previous behavior, I have to believe that your version of the hokey pokey likely involves human sacrifice. And since your followers are already "doing" it, it would be easier to convince them it is morally justified. Well played, Elmo.

"And you turn yourself around"

Obviously this refers to the mind control you use on your followers. They have to "turn themselves around" so they can blindly follow you. Again, well played, you evil genius.

"That's what it's all about"

This mantra is most important to your plan. Indoctrinating your followers into your cult of devilry is not enough. You have to make sure they remain. And this is the hardest thing to deprogram in our children once we rescue them from your clutches. If your Elmo Hokey Pokey is "ALL" it is about, then how can we convince them there is something else out there.

Your hold on our children is strong. In fact, it is known that in 2003 you organized the largest Hokey Pokey in the world, totaling almost 200,000 people.

You may have thought that you have won, but I will spread the word and assemble an army against you, Elmo! In fact, the resistance has started. I urge you to read this first-hand report by Jeremy Greenberg of the resistance's growth. We may be a small, but we will prevail!

In fact, I wish to end this missive by quoting Mr. Greenberg,
"My twins have an animatronic Elmo doll. When you push a button in Elmo’s hand, he does the Hokey Pokey, singing as he sticks his various appendages in, then out, and eventually shaking them all about. The other day, the boys pulled Elmo off the shelf, set him carefully on the ground and then took turns bashing his head in with plastic sand shovels. The boys giggled uproariously and were having a grand ol' time bashing in Elmo’s brains. What’s truly frightening is that our boys haven’t seen a violent cartoon or anything that would be a model for such behavior. Obviously, there is something deep within the human genome that drives us to beat Elmo with a shovel."

So true, so true. We're coming for you, Elmo. Somewhere out there is a shovel with your name on it. Of course, it probably tickles and giggles when you use it to commit Elmocide. 

You have been warned.


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