Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The 2009 Meep Awards

There are times (today is one of them) when I have a hard time deciding what to write. Sure, I could rant on Elmo's deranged mind, but I could do that every day. Maybe I should just leave the little red Muppet alone. (I doubt that will happen, but I probably won't annihilate him today.) I could talk about Barney and how he deserves to be pummeled. That would be an easy topic. But I think the people who reworked the first-person shooter video game Doom to show Barney as the monsters pretty much said it all. Or I could go away from children's programming and discuss something else.

So, with the Oscars having come and gone this past weekend, I started thinking about the year 2009 and awards. Yes, I know, everyone does a "best of" list or "editor's picks" or something like that. I'm all for lists (in fact my next blog post may just be my grocery list - Cool Whip, here I come!) but I am shooting for the stars here. Rather than take pre-ordained subjects and list items under them, I am going to take events and create entire awards around them! (Yes, just like Terry Bradshaw does every year with "The Terrys" and even what The Soup did this year on E!. Hopefully what this post lacks in originality will be countered by guffaws and knee-slapping good times.)

Now, on with the show...

Word of the Year -- In 2009, a Massachussets high school principal threatened to suspend students who used this four letter word. The resulting outrage shook the hallowed halls of erudite institutions worldwide. How dare a principal threaten suspension and show such utter disregard for students' first amendment rights! And now, this word is being honored with the Word of the Year. In fact, the Academy of Me has decided to rename this year's award show in its honor. Ladies and gentlemen, 2009's Word of the Year winner is: MEEP! Accepting the award on behalf of "Meep" is the word's creator, Beaker, "Meep. Meep meep meep meep meep."

Most Despondent Non-Living Thing -- Pluto won this award several years in a row when it was robbed of planethood and was an odds-on favorite in 2009 as well. But in a surprise, the winner of the Meep for Most Despondent Non-Living Thing is: POLYESTER! Here with its acceptance speech is Polyester... "Thank you. I appreciate this award, but really, what does it matter? Disco is dead. People don't like to sweat to death in their clothes anymore. And 'shiny' is no longer what the cool kids like. Nowadays it is all gray hoodies and emo eyeliner. No one loves Polyester anymore. It's gotten so bad for me that the United Nations General Assembly declared 2009 as the International Year of Natural Fibres! What the hell is that? Natural fibers get all the good press, but if you really do your research you come up with another story. Silk... so fancy and soft... You do realize it comes from the asses of worms, right? And cotton... ooo... everybody loves cotton. Well, I tell you what cotton... no one hired slaves to pick fields of polyester! I don't know how you can even show your face. And hemp! You're so damn high that you wouldn't know it if you started to fray! Good job, UN! Way to show support for shitty, racist, and junkie fibers. All the while, here I am, keeping America strong. But do I get any love? Noo.... oh, I'm out of time? um, ok... Thanks for the Meep Award..."

And now, here are the awards presented prior to our broadcast:

Video Game System of the Year -- Unlike Pluto, who had its winning streak end in 2009, the winner of the Meep for Video Game System of the Year went once again to the Atari 2600. Since its birth in 1977, the Atari 2600 has defeated all comers in this category. While technically the Atari 2600 is no longer made, the systems still in existence continue to outshine all other gaming systems.

Comeback of the Year -- This year's Meep winner for Comeback of the Year was the month of February. In 2008, February got confused and added an extra day. Recovering from this "leap year," February returned strong in 2009 and reclaimed its recognizable 28 day format! Congrats, February!

Best Change -- The Meep for Best Change 2009 goes to The Tonight Show. Realizing that Jay Leno had become stale and was no longer funny, NBC, in the wisest move in the network's history, gave control of The Tonight Show over to Conan O'Brien. People who enjoyed laughter cheered at the change. As one judge proclaimed, "Giving The Tonight Show to Conan O'Brien is simply the right move. Not even NBC could screw that up."

Now, back to our awards show. Unfortunately, we are running late,so we will have to skip over the tribute to Nicole Richie's magic baby born on September 9, 2009. Little Sparrow James Midnight Madden weighed in at 7 lbs 14 oz. The magic trick was that the baby weighed 2 ounces MORE than mom Nicole!

Even though we are running late, we will still have a collection of 2009 hits, including LoveGame by Lady GaGa, Boom Boom Pow by the Black Eyed Peas, and Beautiful by Akon. The music will be accompanied with an interpretive dance performance by The Mr. T look-a-like dancers.

Worst Job of the Year -- The Meep for Worst Job of the Year goes to the burgeoning career of "bonejacking." These "bonejackers" are hired by the uber-wealthy to travel back in time to snatch people the moment before their death to use as substitute bodies. The main "bonejacker" is epitomized by Mick Jagger. Accepting the award is none other than Mick Jagger. "Uhh... Thanks? What's going on? Why was I thawed out for this?"

And finally, our last award of the evening...

But first... we have just learned that the award for Worst Job of the Year has been rescinded. Apparently "bonejackers" do not exist. It was all a movie called Freejack that was set in the year 2009. My bad...

Now, our last award of the evening...

Roman Numeral of the Year -- The Meep Award for Roman Numeral of the Year goes to M! In a very close race between M, I, and X, M was able to use its strength to overpower its competitors. By cloning himself, M laid the smack down on I and X and walked away with the Meep! Here to accept the award, L! "I'm sorry, but M was not able to be here tonight. He wanted to, but he was too busy assisting a person who was eating a Five Guys burger for the first time. While many people consider myself and M to be lovers, we are simply close friends who are sharing a loft with our college buddies N and O. Granted, M and myself tend to hang out in the same circles more often than N and O, but that is simply because N and O were not deemed cool enough by the Romans to be used as a number as well. but, if you see us hitting the clubs in your town, you can just call out, 'Hey, LMNO! How are you four doing?' We don't mind being associated with each other, but we are separate entities. Please respect our individuality. Thank you. Oh, hey, I just got a text from M. He wants me to say something to the Academy,
"Mmmmmmmmm, 2009. Thank you for the Meep!"

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