Thursday, April 8, 2010

That's Amore

Dear Chefs Creating "Gourmet" Pizzas,

There are only a few toppings that should go on a pizza. Chefs are putting all sorts of things on pizza these days, to the point that it doesn't even resemble a pizza any longer. This madness must be stopped!

In order to assist the next generation that does not understand that what all these chefs are doing is WRONG, I will list the appropriate toppings and discuss some of the atrocities being foisted upon pizzas today.

Appropriate Pizza Toppings:
  • Pepperoni - Probably the #1 topping of all time. And rightfully so.
  • Onions - A word of warning on onions, though. Make sure the onions are cooked. Raw onions thrown on top of a pizza is not a culinary treat.
  • Sausage - Specifically Italian sausage. And cut it up into little bits. Having a whole sausage on a pizza just looks strange.
  • Ham - But only if it is used in conjunction with the other meats on this list.
  • Extra Cheese - True, the cheese is already on the pizza, but doubling it up counts as a topping.
That's it. That's the list. You may notice there are some popular, old school toppings not on the list. The reason they are not is because in this day and age, they really are on the menu just to appeal to your sense of nostalgia. There is not anything necessarily wrong with these toppings, but you should not order your pizza with them unless you wish to be mocked. This list is below.

Old School Appropriate, Yet "Don't Do It" Toppings:

  • Anchovies - Before you start arguing that anchovies should be included in the Appropriate list, ask yourself this question - Have you ever seen an anchovy pizza? No one ever orders this topping. It is fish, for crying out loud. If you wanted fish, you would have gone to Long John Silvers. 
  • Olives, Peppers, and Mushrooms - Yes, people like their vegetables on their pizzas. However, this has led to some very inappropriate toppings (artichoke, anyone?). We just can't take that risk.
  • Bacon - While it is true that almost everything is better with bacon, on a pizza it is simply not a go-to topping. If it is used, it should be mixed with the meats in the Appropriate list. A pizza with only bacon on it is what Freddy Krueger would eat ... in your nightmare.
When we discuss the inappropriate pizza toppings, they fall into two separate categories - weird specialty stuff and things that are just wrong. We will start with the specialty pizzas. This is far from a complete list, but should illustrate the point.

Inappropriate Pizza Toppings - Weird Specialty Pizza Category:

  • Peanut Butter and Jelly - Some specialty pizzas push the boundaries on what can be termed a pizza. This is one of them. PB&J is a sandwich, not a pizza.
  • Egg (often Fried Egg) - If pizza is going to be eaten as a breakfast food, it should be eaten cold straight from the refrigerator. Without egg on it. Learn from the college experience.
  • Chocolate - Dessert is something you eat AFTER you eat your pizza. If you are so short on time that you need to add dessert onto your pizza, I think you need to re-evaluate your life.
  • Shrimp - Granted, this one is mostly a regional specialty pizza, but unless that region is Atlantis, shrimp pizza should be outlawed. Seriously. The House of Representatives should begin tomorrow drafting legislation against shrimp being placed on pizza. I recommend including sentencing recommendations, like eating nothing but expired yogurt forever. F O R E V E R.
And finally, here is a brief list of pizza toppings that threaten to rip apart the fabric of reality.

Inappropriate Pizza Toppings - That's Just Wrong Category: 

  • Chicken - For some unknown reason, chicken topping on pizzas is becoming mainstream. I believe it is an insidious plot by Vladimir Lenin to sell more chicken (see previous post regarding Lenin and KFC). Lenin has also been able to wrangle the bovine community to help with this public relations task, with several cows committing acts of domestic terrorism and displaying signs saying, "Eat Mor Chikin." Cows are notoriously bad spellers. And chickens belong on farms, not pizzas.
  • Pineapple - Pineapple is another topping that appears to be gaining mainstream acceptance. Let me explain something... pineapple is a FRUIT! You do not put fruit on pizza! Stop being weird!
  • Jalapenos - Ok, enough with the southwest/ Tex-Mex / Mexican-inspired etc. dishes. Take a step back, realize that Bobby Flay is a no-talent punk who Morimoto should have beaten down on the original Iron Chef show, and stop with all the crazy peppering.
  • Beef - Perhaps the hamburger restaurants are fighting the "Eat Mor Chikin" campaigns. Or maybe people are just sick of those terrorist cows and are seeking revenge. Either way, there is no excuse for putting beef on your pizza.
  • Spinach, Lettuce, or other Leaves - You know what? I ought to smack you for this one. I ordered a pizza. Not a salad! If God wanted me to eat leaves, he would have made me a giraffe. Oh, you are going to try to put Cale on there too? You really have a death wish, don't you? Come here and let me show you my new favorite pizza topping - freshly removed human lungs! IT IS SALAD! Get it out of my sight and don't you ever, EVER think about throwing so many green things on my pizza again. It is just WRONG!
Now that we have had this chat, I hope that you will see the error of your ways and stop it with the "gourmet" pizzas you are trying to peddle. Thank you for your time.


p.s. - Be sure to burn down all the California Pizza Kitchens in your vicinity. We need to stop those who believe that inappropriate toppings make pizza better. Go back to California, you hippies!

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