Monday, April 19, 2010

Elmo is a Stalker

Dear Elmo,

I thought I would send you this message before the lawyers got involved. I am writing to you as a courtesy only. You have stepped far over the line this time, my furry red nemesis.

But before I discuss my WTF moment from today, let me give a little background information:

- My given name is Michael (which you obviously know).
- My dislike for all things Elmo is well known.

So, I was in a big box retail store this morning, walking down the aisle, minding my own business, when I saw THIS:

Now, I have expressed my disgust over your insistence on plastering your ugly face on any type of product known to humankind, but this is beyond bothersome. Not only does this toy have you wrapped around a play phone, but it claims to know my name. I was prepared to be dubious of this claim, since not even Elmo has such mind-reading powers, right?

Now, you might not be able to see it on the picture, but right on the box, right in Elmo's little talk bubble, is my given name. It is also the demo name when you try it out in the store before purchase. So I pushed the demo button. Oh, how I wish I didn't do that. You can't unhear something once you hear it. Now it will haunt me forever. I doubt I will be able to sleep tonight, since that horrible sound will be echoing through my head.

Elmo said my name. Elmo giggled and said my name. I think I died a little bit.

Look, Elmo, I know we are not friends. We both know that I will not rest until I eradicate all traces of you from the earth (although you will probably have moved on to annoying other planets by then). But stalking me like this is uncool.

Learn to say my name, will ya? You won this round, Elmo. You got inside my head. This mind game you are playing with me worked this time. But I'll be back. With a vengeance. In 3-D. There will be a squeakuel!


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