Thursday, April 8, 2010

Eat This

Like a lot of people, I grew up learning about proper nutrition by playing Four-Square on the playground. Actually, it was probably in a classroom and the four squares were actually the Four Food Groups.

You remember the Four Food Groups. They made nutrition fun. They made nutrition easy. They made the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse eat their peas.

Somewhere we went tragically wrong though and forgot our Four Food Group Friends. Instead of a giant square separated into four equal parts (Equality for all food!), now we have a giant Food Guide Pyramid. Where are we, Egypt? No Pharaoh is going to tell me what to eat!

Then, they switched it up again and added color lines on the pyramid! If I wanted color in my food, I would purchase the appropriate food dye myself. But not red #5, or whatever that color was that caused cancer in mice. That color needs to be left off my diet. But what are these colors all about anyway? Is the government subliminally telling us that Skittles are the food of destiny?

No, I refuse to consider this pyramid scheme regarding my food intake. I'm sure if I wait a little while someone will lobby for the food groups to be represented by a rhombus. (Speaking of the rhombus, I have a bone to pick with Nick Jr. When Moose A. Moose and his owl buddy Zee are searching for shapes in space, Moose explains that a square has four equal sides. Mr. Moose, please stop providing partial and incorrect information to the youth of the world. A square has four equal sides AND four right angles! A rhombus has four equal sides but only the opposite angles are equal, and are not right angles. If my child grows up and scores lower on his SATs because he thought a square is any shape with four equal sides, thereby missing out on an opportunity to go to a good college and having to settle for a local school, where he will undoubtedly decide to live at home while taking classes, meaning I will have to continue to listen to whatever crappy music his generation puts out making my mind slowly slip away as well as having to share fridge space with him and his endless supply of Fruit Punch juice boxes and baby carrots ... well, if that happens, I won't sue you, Mr. Moose. Oh no. I will track you down, capture your buddy Zee, and make you watch when I turn him into a rhombus using a pair of rusty pliers and some toothpicks!)

Where was I? Oh yeah, weird shapes and food groups... I say screw the pyramid! There is no need to change a good thing. The Four Food Groups were great! Meat, Dairy, Breads (Grains), and Fruits/Vegetables! They were easy to remember and you could categorize the food on the table. You KNEW if you were eating healthy. Now, with the Pyramid of Foodie Doom, you need an abacus, a protractor, and several astronomers to determine if your chicken pot pie is healthy.

To illustrate my point, I discovered several years ago that there is a perfect food out there which incorporates all of the Four Food Groups. And it is something that I could eat every day. That perfect food was: Pepperoni Pizza. Consider the ingredients in Pepperoni Pizza:

The Crust - This covers your Bread (Grains) Food Group.
The Sauce - This tomato sauce satisfies your Fruits/Vegetables Food Group.
The Cheese - This is very clearly your Dairy Food Group.
The Pepperoni - Meat Food Group, anyone?

All Four Food Groups in one delicious food! Eat it for lunch, dinner, and then have the leftovers cold for breakfast! You would have been in perfect shape before the Pyramid people came along and screwed up everything!

Actually, now that I think about it, I wish to change my stance. I think we should change the shape of the Food Groups. I think the new geometric shape should be a CIRCLE, the true shape of the pizza.

Long live the Circle Food Groups!

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