Monday, January 5, 2015

The 2015 Fabrications: God hates squirrels


After years of endless speculation, the Almighty reveals that He does, in fact, hate squirrels.

The background:

To many people, squirrels are many things - furry, funny, cute, pests, moose sidekicks, etc. But to God, squirrels are his biggest mistake.
"Honestly, I don't know why I made them," God announced during an unscheduled press conference yesterday. "They seemed like a good idea - crazed rodents who get into everything and go everywhere. What could possibly be bad about that? But, to be fair, I was pretty drunk at the time. That J├Ągermeister will mess you up something nuts."
When contacted, the Heavenly Host confirmed that God considers squirrels the antichrist and has provided standing orders to show no mercy on them during the final battle at the end of days.
An unnamed angelic source stated, "He is serious about this. He hates those little fuckers. Sometimes I will be driving down a beautiful, tree-lined street and I will hear God speaking through my radio saying, 'Five bonus points if you run over a squirrel.' I don't know why He doesn't just eliminate all of them."
"Yeah, that would be my fault," Jesus told us when asked that particular question. "I had to go and talk about loving everyone and everything. Now no one wants to squish squirrels with the reckless abandon my father wants. And ever since that dinosaur fiasco (that paleontologist lobby is on us constantly), He is against mass extinction of any creature. Which is a bit of a shame, because it would be nice to fill my birdhouse just once without worrying about those bastards eating all the food."
"Don't worry, I don't have this kind of hate for all animals, just stupid ass squirrels," God clarified towards the end of the press conference. "For example, chipmunks are awesome. They are so cute and tiny and I love their Christmas songs. Allllllviiiiiinnn! I love that shit."

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