Cats are very nice and friendly and never sneak around or cause troubles.*
Cats are not actually the evil spawn of Satan.* They don't secretly plot your death or try to head butt you into submission.* They never throw up for no reason in the middle of the living room.* Nor do they run through the house like freaks on speed in the middle of the night for no reason whatsoever.*
Cats are gentle and kind.* They always come when you call them.* They sit still and like to be petted.* They never refuse a new food; in fact, they aren't finicky at all.* And they never get stuck in the box spring of your bed forcing you to be stabbed by various springs and wires and splinters while trying to remove their sorry cat asses.*
Cats like to play games like fetch.* They will do their business in whatever litter box you provide, no matter what the condition or if you haven't changed it in the past 3 minutes.* They never shed.* And they never lick the fur off themselves until they convulse like a 438 year old woman who has smoked 3 packs of cigarettes a day for life and who subsists purely on sand and other people's mucus.*
In short, cats are great and no one should ever doubt that.* Or else.*
* This post has been sponsored by the Feline Propaganda Association.