I love the Smurfs. I absolutely adore those little blue Communists. But I feel the need to write to you to help clarify a few things. Please understand that by no means am I criticizing said Smurfs, but there may be some evil doings going on that you are unaware. (As always, I apologize if any of my facts are incorrect. They are based on the memory of a child.)
- First off, just how many Smurfs are there? There appear to be 14,773 or so, but Papa Smurf couldn't find enough Smurfs to do the Dance of the 100 Smurfs. Okay, so that puts the number of Smurfs at 99 at the most. However, this begs the question, why do you even have a Dance of the 100 Smurfs if you don't have 100 Smurfs?
- Second, while every Smurf seems to have his special talent that helps the community thrive in a very idealistic Communist state. However, two Smurfs stand out as different from that mold. Lazy Smurf appears to do nothing all day long. What is it about Lazy's naps helps his fellow Smurf comrades? And Tailor Smurf. Now, I don't even know if there is a Tailor Smurf, but I imagine there is because I have never seen pants with a hole cut out of the butt for a short, stubby tail. Tailor Smurf probably has to mend the pants of every Smurf. That does not seem fair. Especially since Lazy isn't doing anything. You would think Lazy could help Tailor or something. Maybe Tailor Smurf should have lunch with Professional Hitman Smurf...
- Why are the Smurfs blue? Does it have something to do with there being no female smurfs originally? (I'll touch on this more later) Has centuries of sexual frustration made the Smurfs all blue?
- And what's with the hats? Rumor has it that all Smurfs are bald. Why is there no Ron Popeil Smurf to create some Smurf-On Hair?
- The Smurf language is obviously too complex for me, so it must be torture for the children who watch the Smurfs. I can't tell the difference between "Let's smurf to the smurf and smurf," and "Let's smurf to the smurf and smurf." One is very innocent. The other is not moral or legal in 49 states (Arkansas is a little different). Couldn't you make it just a little easier to decipher?
- I mentioned previously that all Smurfs are blue. But yet, there have been times where the blue Smurfs have come across green Smurfs in the woods. The green Smurfs are seen as crazy, wild, and primitive. What made the green Smurfs this way? Were they originally blue and some industrial waste accident change them? Or did blue Smurfs evolve from these green ones? Or are the green ones not Smurfs at all but actually evil gnomes bent on world domination? These questions need answers.
- Okay, I have avoided this so far but it must be discussed. The Smurfs are very small, right? I mean they live in mushroom houses. But it has been said that Smurfs are three apples high. Have you ever looked at an apple? Three of them on top of each other is pretty big. Even if you have a small apple, you are still looking at about 6 inches tall. Now compare the size of the Smurfs to the other characters on the show. Gargamel must be a giant. But he is evil, and there are giants in nursery rhymes all the time, so I can understand that. But Azrael... Azrael is just supposed to be a normal cat. But normal cats are only about 8 inches high or so. Yet Azrael towers over the Smurfs. Is Azrael a tiger or something? Who does he think he is, BattleCat? Not even Snarf was that bold.
- Speaking of the Smurf mushroom houses, there seem to be a ton of them all in one little area. So why can't anyone find the Smurf village? Is it hidden by some cloaking device?
- Getting back to female Smurfs. There were none. Then Gargamel decided to create an evil Smurf to destroy the geniality of male Smurfs sitting around circle-Smurfing all the time. Thus Smurfette was created. Originally she had dark hair, because everyone knows that brunettes are evil-bringers. If she were a male Smurf, she would have an evil-Spock goatee so everyone would know she was bad news. But since she was female, it had to be dark hair. But Papa Smurf "saved" her and used his magic to turn her hair blonde, thus showing she was now good. And Gargamel's plan was squashed. Or was it? There is still this ONE female Smurf with almost 100 male Smurfs (but not quite, otherwise they would have been able to dance!) who we have already established are sexually frustrated to the point of being blue. I would think this would be trouble whether Smurfette was good or evil. However, not being a "real" Smurf (she is made of magically-delicious clay), she might not have the proper Smurf private parts. But regardless, this origin story for Smurfette actually made me think Gargamel was sort of a genius and should be given more credit.
- Speaking of giving credit, you would think that Azrael would have caught at least one of those Smurfs by now. Maybe Walks With a Limp Smurf or something. When have you not seen a cat capture and kill at least one of something if there were almost a hundred of them running around near your house?
- Later on we get Sassette Smurf. She was also created out of a lump of magical blue clay by Gargamel's spell. Papa Smurf again "saved" her and now there are two female Smurfs. Oh no!
- So... as we move forward in time, we see some new Smurfs. And here I thought we knew all the Smurfs. But if there were other Smurfs hanging around, why didn't they show up for the Dance of the 100 Smurfs? (Yeah, that dance episode really bothers me.) Anyway, one of these new Smurfs is Baby Smurf? Wha??? Baby Smurf? There is not supposed to be any smurfing on this show, this is for children! But really, with almost a hundred male Smurfs and just Smurfette for the longest time, I'm a little surprised Baby Smurf didn't show up sooner.
- So Baby Smurf is understandable, if a little disturbing. But another Smurf shows up around this time. Now, granted, I don't know what his story is, but I don't really understand how he came to be. That Smurf is Grandpa Smurf! You can form a logical timeline to have Baby Smurf, but how the holy hell did Grandpa Smurf get there???!!!
- After a check on Wikipedia, it seems that Grandpa Smurf is the oldest of all the Smurfs and has been absent for 500 years. Wow! Deadbeat Dad Smurf! And after 500 years the Smurfs are all, "Welcome back. Nice to see you. Where did you go to get that pack of cigarettes?" My goodness! What exactly was he doing all that time? Did he run off with a hobbit or something?
- Finally, I have to ask... Dude, what's up with the Snorks? Did you need money or something? They are just underwater Smurfs!