Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Okay, Elmo... This Means War!

Elmo -

I am forgoing the niceties as you have simply gone too far this time. I was going to give you a break when I realized you were psychotic, but this has gotten out of hand. In fact, I am too irritated to write in proper paragraphs, so let me compile a list of 15 reason why you must die...

  1. In the opening sequence of Elmo's World, it appears your room is on the second story. Since you are always in that room during the show, one has to assume you have been placed there under guard to make sure you don't annoy the other residents of the building.
  2. As mentioned above, you are on the second floor. So how is Mr. Noodle standing right outside your window? He even comes up to the windowsill often. Can Mr. Noodle float? Highly unlikely since he appears to be a regular everyday stalker. This leads me to believe that you, Elmo, lied in the opening sequence and that your room is actually on the ground floor. Why would you lie about this? Perhaps to confuse your enemies? That ruse won't work on me!
  3. Also in the opening sequence you have a crayon in your hand. With said crayon you write your name on the window shade. Not exactly appropriate behavior, but whatever... My bigger issue is that all of a sudden the crayon writing is gone! Is it a magic, disappearing crayon? If so, you must be in possession of an evil chemistry set to create such a device. No wonder you are locked up in that room.
  4. Not only does your psychosis involve listening to your goldfish, but also asking babies for their opinion. Do you really think that a baby is going to answer you?
  5. And stop objectifying the babies. You know, babies are people too. They have names. Maybe take some time and learn a couple things about them (from their parents, since they are babies and CAN'T TALK) before you thrust them into the harsh limelight of show business.
  6. Ok, last item on the baby situation. Elmo, I will say this slowly so you can understand. Stop M-O-L-E-S-T-I-N-G babies! You bring a random baby on your dumb show, ask a question (that you KNOW can not be answered with human speech by the baby) just to embarrass him or her, then you try to make out with the baby. That baby didn't agree to me kissed by your furry redness! Lips off, mister!
  7. Speaking of molestation, I warned you about Mr. Noodle before, but now I think maybe you are all in the same place. A minimum security prison for habitual offenders.
  8. You don't believe me? On a recent episode of Elmo's World, Elmo openly admits that he was thinking about skin.
  9. SKIN!
  10. He has fur, why is he thinking about skin? 
  11. So Elmo gets an email from someone pretending to be Ernie showing how skin can be used to feel things. This impostor then goes about being blindfolded and feeling up someone who is obviously an impostor Bert. I say this because everyone who knows Bert and Ernie know they are a fine, upstanding couple living happily in Vermont somewhere. Why Elmo would pay these impostor Muppets to defame the legacy of Bert and Ernie is beyond me. Plus, this kind of thing should be left to your pay-membership-only message boards, Elmo. 
  12. Now, after thinking about skin, asking Mr. Noodle about skin, talking to a baby about skin, talking to a goldfish about skin (and don't project your fetish onto Dorothy. She isn't thinking about skin. She's a FISH!), and getting random schoolchildren to scratch each other, you decide that you want to learn even more about skin. So where do you go? What do you do? Go to the library? Read a book? Heck, even log onto Wikipedia? Nope. Elmo doesn't do any of those things. When Elmo wants to learn more about something he watches the TELEVISION! Way to be a role model, Elmo.
  13. What channel can teach Elmo about skin? Well, the All-Skin channel, of course! Why wouldn't Elmo want to watch pornography while he has an audience of several million toddlers? 
  14. Those 15 minutes of Elmo's World could be better served to let Grover, Cookie Monster, Big Bird, Oscar, or The Count actually, you know, ENTERTAIN the children of the world. Not make them want to rip their ears off. Or take a shower, if your skin episode is any indication.
  15. I was going to ignore this since I have mentioned it before, but I just can't. It drives me insane. STOP SPEAKING IN THE THIRD PERSON!!!!!! Why must you insist on being such a pretentious ass???!!! Abby and Zoe do not speak in the third person and they are in the same age group as you. So you are obviously doing it on purpose. It must stop!
 I hope this is the last we will have to discuss these matters. However, if I must, I can and will continue my quest to bring your nefarious ways out in the open. You are a menace and must be stopped!

Thank you for your time in reviewing these items. I hope they were helpful.


No comments:

Post a Comment