Thursday, February 25, 2010

Culinary Skills

If I have to spend more than 3 minutes in the kitchen cooking something, I normally screw it up. In addition, if a recipe has more than 4 ingredients and 3 steps, it's probably a hopeless cause. I know I should learn to cook more things, but I think 4 grease fires in various kitchens is enough for a lifetime.

Don't get me wrong, I can cook some things. I can make scrambled eggs. I can make a pretty decent spaghetti dinner. And that's about it...

But there are two things for which I am famous. I make a mean piece of toast! And I have an award-winning dessert I can make!

First, the toast. People underestimate toast. They think it is easy. Just drop a piece of bread in the toaster and let it do its magic. Because of this thought process, so many people are eating poor quality toast!

And I don't care what you put on it. Butter, jelly, marshmallow fluff, it doesn't matter if the toast is lousy. Many people, if they recognize that the little dial on the front of the toaster is some sort of control device, will just put it on a number and leave it there always... But there's a skill, an art even, to adjusting the dial based on the size, makeup, and thickness of the bread which needs toasting.

Some people will even claim they like burnt toast. These people we will call "liars." At best, they are ignorant of how truly wonderful toast can be.

My toast has won me friends, romance, and worldwide acclaim. Just crispy enough on the outside, but not too crispy as to not let some buttery goodness seep in, while maintaining the moist bready goodness on the inside. Sort of a gruff old man, hardened by life's struggles, but still owning a heart of compassion for his fellow humans. With butter on his head.

Ok, so the metaphor doesn't really work, but still. I make a mean piece of toast!

And the dessert? It honestly is an award-winning dessert. I call it "Goldilock's Revenge." Cherry Jell-O with gummi bears suspended throughout the mold. Tasty and vengeful!

Food is so much more than just sustenance. It is a way of life. As an old friend from high school once philosophized during lunch, "I like french fries. Everyone I know likes french fries. French fries are made from potatoes. Potatoes are starch. So, using the 'You are what you eat' property, I must conclude that we are all starch." Well said, my friend. Well said.

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