Dorothy Rasputin?

Dear Elmo -

As much as this pains me to admit, I may have misjudged you. I don't think I have, but there is a possibility that you are nothing but a puppet (HA) for a greater evil. There might be an evil mastermind more sinister and horrible than I have even imagined. That mastermind is none other than:

Dorothy.

Yes, you read that right. Dorothy. Your goldfish. Based upon an investigation conducted today, I now have reason to believe that Dorothy might be controlling you for her evil plans. What those plans are have yet to be uncovered, but I believe it has to do with taking over the world, starting with Sesame Street. Let's hope we can stop her before it is too late.

An Apple is an Apple is an Apple...

People name their children weird things. Family names are one thing, but the crap that a lot of celebrities come up with are just insane. Case in point - Apple (Gweneth Paltrow's child), Blue Angel (The Edge's child), Bluebell Madonna (Gerri Hallowell's child), Brooklyn (the Beckham's child), Fifi Trixibell (Paula Yates and Bob Geldof's child), Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily (Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence's child), Jazz Domino (Joe Strummer's child), Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson's child), Kal-El Coppola (Nicolas Cage's child), Kyd (David Duchovny and Tea Leoni's child), Moxie Crimefighter (Penn Jillette's child), Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee's child), Scout (Demi Moore and Bruce Willis' child), Rumer (Demi Moore and Bruce Willis' child), Coco (Courtney Cox and David Arquette's child), and Prince Michael II (Michael Jackson's second son ... nicknamed "Blanket").

Had enough yet? I haven't even started with the Zappa clan. But I will in a bit...

Bracketology is So a Word!

Everyone likes lists. Everyone likes contests. Everyone likes awards. Blog writers everywhere use these three items as crutches to churn out post after post after post. Television specials revolve around them. The radio counts them down. And everyone cherishes how many recognitions their favorite artist/actor/show/person has gained through these means.

But there is another format that turns up once a year that lights the imaginations of people everywhere. Sure, it has some major tie-ins with gambling, and who doesn't enjoy making a few extra bucks now and then. The problem with its tie-in with gambling is that everyone tries to make it work. Unfortunately this occasionally devolves the process into a lottery of sorts.

What am I referring to here? Well, the bracket, that's what. Everyone likes brackets. They just don't know it until March every year.

Self-discrimination

Self-descrimination

Hate one own

Never spoken

Never alone

Lasting idols

Fleeting, false

Early influenced

Simple hopes

Rhymes are poison

Spoiled fruit

Hell held captive

Nothing new

Lyrics end

Song dies down

Loathe the intimate

Cancer grown

Scar

Scar

Torn through

Last invade

Once living

Searing depth

Repair remade

Fading remains

Emotive restart

Terror in

Tissue stop

Elmo for Sale

Dear Elmo -

I asked nicely. I pleaded with you. I even offered suggestions on how to avoid infuriating me further. Yet you insisted. You pushed your luck. You chose to continue down a path that will surely lead to your demise. At my hands. Make no mistake about it, Elmo, your end is coming.

Perhaps you are wondering what prompted this outrage today? After all, I have left you alone for a while. Well, frankly, I am very disappointed and disturbed by your image marketing. Particularly in the toy department.

The 2009 Meep Awards

There are times (today is one of them) when I have a hard time deciding what to write. Sure, I could rant on Elmo's deranged mind, but I could do that every day. Maybe I should just leave the little red Muppet alone. (I doubt that will happen, but I probably won't annihilate him today.) I could talk about Barney and how he deserves to be pummeled. That would be an easy topic. But I think the people who reworked the first-person shooter video game Doom to show Barney as the monsters pretty much said it all. Or I could go away from children's programming and discuss something else.

So, with the Oscars having come and gone this past weekend, I started thinking about the year 2009 and awards. Yes, I know, everyone does a "best of" list or "editor's picks" or something like that. I'm all for lists (in fact my next blog post may just be my grocery list - Cool Whip, here I come!) but I am shooting for the stars here. Rather than take pre-ordained subjects and list items under them, I am going to take events and create entire awards around them! (Yes, just like Terry Bradshaw does every year with "The Terrys" and even what The Soup did this year on E!. Hopefully what this post lacks in originality will be countered by guffaws and knee-slapping good times.)

Now, on with the show...