Friday, January 7, 2011

Santa's PostSecret

During my yearly visit to the North Pole (the elves have an AWESOME After-Christmas Clearance Sale), I noticed a couple mailbags being lugged to the curb by Waste Management Elf. So I ask him what that was, and he said that Santa decided that he couldn't file EVERY child's letter to him every year, so some of them had to be recycled. I asked if I could review some of them for an article I was writing, and he said sure. The next two days I spent holed up in my igloo (helpfully constructed for me by Natolik, my Eskimo guide) reading various children's letters to Santa by the red light of Rudolph's nose. (The other reindeer were attending the Reindeer Games. I believe Shawn White won three gold medals. Blitzen was disqualified for using an antler-enhancer. The scandal rocked the Aurora Borealis!)

Three letters stood out to me that I would like to reproduce here. They were from a set of triplets, barely a year old, living in the state of Louisiana. The level of maturity and sophistication, as well as restraint, made me hope that Santa brought these three children everything they wished.

I don't believe anything more needs to be said that the letters don't say themselves, so enjoy!

Letter One:

 Mr. Santa Claus
Owner and Proprietor of Christmas Eve Breaking and Entering Enterprises
1 Reindeer Lane
North Pole

December 25, 2010
RE: Current childhood enjoyment contract negotiations

Mr. Claus,
This letter is in response to the filing of your petition to end your current contract with our client, Abby, regarding the delivery of toys Christmas Eve. The reason for this petition appears to lie in the fact that Abby is one of three children, and, I quote, "the delivery bag is simply too heavy for Mr. Claus to carry down the chimney of this house." We have been informed that your lawyers are using this as a test case in a desire to renegotiate contracts with all multiple children households. This is an unacceptable development and we are prepared to file an injunction with the North Pole Court of Appeals to block this obvious attempt to breach your contract with our client.

Your company, Christmas Eve Breaking and Entering Enterprises, has held contracts with children all over the world for many years. And while some of those contracts have been voided by choice of the child, that is not the case in this situation. Our client, Ms. Abby, has not denounced your existence. Nor has she been a "bad child" as your lawyers have petitioned. Even if Ms. Abby were "bad," the current contract allows for delivery of coal in lieu of a toy.

It should be noted that our stance on this issue remains the same regardless of which name you are using this Christmas season. Currently, the aliases we have on record for you include Mr. Kris Kringle, Saint Nicholas, and Father Christmas.

Furthermore, the responsibility of providing gifts to our client clearly falls to you, Mr. Claus, and not to Mr. Aaron and Mrs. Jonna, hereafter referred to as The Parental Units. The Parental Units responsibility in this matter remains to sustain your believability in the household and the delivery of cookies and milk near the gift delivery location (optimally, the Christmas tree). Snacks for your reindeer are optional.
Please keep in mind that our law firm has successfully defended children against worst offenders than you. We have defended children in cases against Mr. Freddie Krueger (and there were several of them) as well as beginning civil action against Mickey Mouse and his plague-spreading Disney cohorts.

We appreciate your taking the time to review this letter and hope you understand that the current contract with our client is valid and will be upheld by the appellate courts. Any further concerns you may have this holiday season should be directed to our offices. Any communication directly with our client (aside from the delivery of acceptable toys this Christmas) will be met with litigation.

Hopefully this will resolve this issue sufficiently. However, in an effort to make amends to our client, and avoid a swift and severe counter-suit, the following items are requested in good faith. Our client would like for you to deliver not only a large number of toys, but also another Super Bowl victory for the Pittsburgh Steelers and another Stanley Cup championship for the Pittsburgh Penguins. Our client would also enjoy her presents be wrapped in Ralph Macchio wrapping paper as a favor to the Maternal Parental Unit.


Mr. B. G. Foot, Esq.
from the law firm of E. Bunny, A. Leprechaun, and T. Fairy
on behalf of our client, Abby

Letter Two:

Dear Santa -

Hello. How are you? How is the wife? And all the little elves? Mommy and Daddy probably think that they are like you this year with me and my sisters running around. We are our own little Elf Pack. lol

But I digress. I have been a good boy this year. I have not traumatized my sisters too much. In fact, I have tried to include them in the process of my growing (using their heads as chew toys counts, right?).
I trust your judgment, Santa. So instead of sending a list of things I want, here is the list of the things I definitely DO NOT want for Christmas. Please ask one of your elves to log on to You will find all these toys there.

My DO NOT GIVE ME list includes: A Tickle Me Elmo Doll (this is a given), a Potty Time Elmo doll with special Elmo toilet (because who doesn't want to think about Elmo giggling like a lunatic while you are peeing?), Elmo Tickle Hands (they are a bit creepy), Rock and Roll Elmo doll (he does have an odd "mop top" Beatlesesque look, doesn't he?), an Elmo laptop (Bill Gates and Steve Jobs have nothing on Elmo), an Elmo Halloween costume (for special occasions?), Elmo's Sing and Giggle Microphone (to sing along with the Elmo's World club remix), an Elmo submarine toy (to visit all the whales who have been deprived of Elmo for too long), an Elmo puppet towel (because who doesn't want Elmo drying them off after a bath), Elmo's Rock 'n' Roll Guitar (Elmo shreds, baby!), Elmo's Talking Cell Phone (so more than just goldfish talk to Elmo), Elmo Spin! Chair (because I didn't vomit enough as a baby), Elmo tub mat (because who doesn't want to sit on Elmo in the bath - wait, that is going to sound a little weird when I get older), Elmo and His Piano K'Nex set (Elmo is a craftsman and a supporter of the arts), Hokey Pokey Elmo doll (because I can't wait until I am a teenager to drive Mommy insane), Elmo Giggle Camera (to take pictures of Mommy and Daddy losing their minds), Elmo bathtub spout cover (so I can stare at Elmo when I am naked in the bath - wait, what?), Elmo toy organizer (so I can put all my Elmo toys in their place. I believe Home Depot calls this item a "trash can," but I am not sure), Elmo teether (Alivia and Abby say I should get this, but what do they know? They're just children...), Elmo car seat cover (so he can go EVERYWHERE with me... can you say stalkerish?), Jumbo Lounging Elmo (what? Do something, you lazy Muppet!), an Elmo face bib (who better to drop my strained peas on), Elmo high bounce balls (because who doesn't want to play with Elmo's balls - get your mind out of the gutter, Santa!), Elmo beanbag doll (why not? Because he's squishy. That's just weird), a RoomMates Giant Wall Decal of Elmo (Elmo is all-seeing), Elmo Seat Belt Covers (for when I outgrow the Elmo car seat), Elmo Running Shoes (to do the dreaded Elmo slide dance), an Elmo 2GB USB Flash Drive (I am a part of Generation Elmo and we know computer stuff!), an Elmo Pinata (okay, this one is for Mommy and Daddy and might not be such a bad idea), a Singing Elmo Rocking Sled (he's wearing mittens! What are mittens? I live in New Orleans and it is hot as blazes), an Elmo Party Shape Cartridge for Cricut (so my scrapbook can be 100% Elmo, 110% of the time.) (Hey, lay off my math! I'm only a year old!), a Furry Faces Elmo Book (because who doesn't love furry faces? Wolfman Jack? Grizzly Adams? Elmo? All chick magnets!), an Elmo cuddle pillow (if I sit on it at the right angle, it will look like Elmo is trying to devour me), a Fly with Elmo Airplane (is there NOTHING Elmo can't do?), an Elmo Travel Play Tray (to play when I travel, although I don't know how to play with a tray...), a three piece Elmo table and chair set (so I can have Elmo over for tea and crumpets), an Elmo neck pillow (they are THE in thing on Project Runway this year), a Nintendo DS stylus (I have no idea what a Nintendo DS stylus is, but it has Elmo on it, so it must be cool), and an Elmo Room in a Box which includes an Elmo bed (so I can go to sleep with dreams of Elmo and me skipping into the sunset, holding hands, and whistling his annoying theme song). Got all that? DO NOT give me any of that stuff, except maybe the piƱata, or you will go in time-out.

If you really need a suggestion for my gift, I would like a Gulfstream G550 jet (it only costs $59.9 million, it is really cool, and I have been very good this year).

Santa, I hope you see fit to respect my wishes this year. Since you watch me when I am awake and when I am asleep, I believe that the entertainment I have provided you should equate to a large number of toys this Christmas. I will be waiting.


Letter Three:

Santa -

Okay, let's get this over with. I don't like you and you don't like me. So we should just begin.

But first, I have to tell you something. And it has been a long time coming, Mr. Claus, so listen up. You are a pathetic waste of space. You are fat, lazy, and a disgrace. In addition, your treatment of women is an insult to my entire gender. If I may, let me present my objections to your continued presence in our holiday season.

First, since you married your sweet wife, you have put on an enormous amount of weight. I saw that cartoon TV documentary about you. You used to be a decent, thin, red-headed guy. Then you got married to a nice woman and you turn into a tub of gelatin. Your obesity is not jolly, Claus...

Next, let's discuss your lack of employment. Sure, you like to say your job is demanding. But the ONE DAY a year that you get your lazy butt off the couch and work is a major holiday. AND you are off traveling, leaving Mrs. Claus all alone on the one day that families are supposed to be together. The rest of the year? You say you are making toys. But we all know that is a little sweat shop you have running out back. Those poor elves... barely able to pick up a screwdriver since they are so small and fragile. Yet you have them working with table saws and lathes and industrial strength power tools. It is a good thing that they finally unionized and forced you to get them a good health plan.

But let's get back to your treatment of Mrs. Claus. You don't even make an effort to hide your infidelity and it is truly disgusting. You even prompted a song about your exploits. Ever hear of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus?" Well, I have. And let me tell you, you should be ashamed of yourself, old man... If I saw you kissing my mommy, I would open a huge can of whoop ass all over you. Not only are you a cheater, but you did it in front of an impressionable young child! How could you?

And the reindeer... Santa, Santa, Santa... Deer don't fly! Even I know that, and I haven't been able to figure out how to not poop in my pants yet. My best guess is that you are a pusher of some sort. You probably got your eight reindeer addicted to Red Bull so they could grow wings and fly you around the world. Real nice.
And then there is Rudolph. I have heard numerous people say that your treatment of Rudolph is admirable. That you gave him a job when he was an outcast and no one else would hire him. Well, I looked into your employment records, Mr. Claus, and it seems that you run a little monopoly up there in the North Pole. Who else was going to hire Rudolph? The Easter Bunny? How many eggs do you think a reindeer can hide? So you hired him. Big deal. My bigger issue is with the job you gave him. He is now your lead reindeer? Seriously? Even though his bright red nose is obviously a result of years of drinking hard egg nog? Hiring a drunk to lead your sleigh is not a good example to give to the billions of children who look up to you! I am very, very disappointed in you.

Okay... glad I got that off my infant chest.

Please bring me a Teddy Ruxpin doll, a Cabbage Patch Kid, a Rainbow Brite doll, and the newest New Kids on the Block album (this is for my mom). I am sort of on an old-school kick right now.

Finally, if you could give my digits to that little cutie Nathan, I would appreciate it. Mommy says I should wait until I get older to start dating, but I want to stake my claim to that boy before my sister does!

I hope you didn't take offense to anything that I said, but my mommy and daddy have always told me to be honest. A little constructive criticism never hurt, right?

With sugar and spice and everything nice,

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