The 2015 Fabrications: The Tragedy of Mr. Peanut

01/04/15

At least seven people have died while being employed by Planters as their brand mascot, Mr. Peanut.



The background:
The character of Mr. Peanut was developed by a schoolchild during the early part of the 20th century. Most of the country was poor and hungry and the young child was most likely hallucinating from hunger pains.
The recorded deaths of Mr. Peanut are as follows:
1. The first Mr. Peanut jumped to his death after losing his fortune in the stock market crash. The Mr. Peanut costume made the scene seem less horrific, so newspapers did not report on it widely.
2. The second Mr. Peanut committed suicide by ingesting 12 full bottles of peanut oil during the seventh inning stretch at a Chicago Cubs game in 1932. Unfortunately, he was not the first nor the last to do so.
3. The third Mr. Peanut died of flesh eating disease in 1970. He had refused to take off the outfit for almost 20 years and no one knew he was wasting away inside.
4. The fourth Mr. Peanut died of old age during a child's birthday party in July 1972. Planters spun the death as a positive statement for hiring the elderly (and placing them inside a stifling, oversized Peanut suit in the middle of summer).
5. The fifth and sixth Mr. Peanut died tragically during the traditional exchanging of the costume. The sixth Mr. Peanut had most of the "peanut" part on, but the fifth Mr. Peanut was wearing the top hat and monocle still. The event was taking place as part of a tie-in for the movie "The Natural." At the moment Robert Redford hit his famous homerun, a catastrophic prop accident occurred and shards of glass and shrapnel from the scoreboard and lights crashed down over the two Mr. Peanuts, killing them slowly and painfully.
7. The only female Mr. Peanut died in 1988 upon a conversation with Andrew "Dice" Clay who pointed out that women do not have nuts. The existential conundrum of the statement caused this Mr./Ms. Peanut to have a brain aneurysm almost immediately. Mr. Clay was never charged in the incident.

It is believed that the eighth Mr. Peanut is still alive and hosting holiday parties. However, his mental stability has been questioned as he continues to associate with those who wish to crack his nut.