No matter who wins or loses, Oscar always comes around.

This year, I shall start with a little ditty.

Oscar season is here again!
So gather 'round all ye' old friends!
We'll watch the show and drink a bit!
And wonder who made all this fantastic art.

Of course, I joke. We all know I do these annual summaries of the best picture nominees out of love and adoration. Honestly. I enjoy the artistry that goes into film. I respect the hard work and effort of the good women and men in the industry. I envy those who can provide entertainment to others for a living. (Obviously these columns are not providing much.)

But I was worried this year. During the course of 2015, I went to the theater and saw 2, count 'em, TWO movies! That is 200% more than I have seen in the theaters since I began this project many years ago. And, one of them was actually good-to-great and was rumored to be a nominated for a Best Picture award. But, alas, Minions did not get the nod this year, and I am able to proceed with this column still batting 0 for Oscar nominations. (For full disclosure, the other movie I saw in the theater this year was the surprisingly good, original (if you forget about the early, and underrated, 90s Fox sitcom "Herman's Head"), and touching Inside Out. That was the film I was worried might get a Best Picture nod.) If either of these two movies had received a Best Picture nomination, my children were going to be forced to write this column! (Which would have consisted of the following: the case for advanced botany studies to defeat future reanimated corpse plagues, the interpersonal dynamics and resulting co-dependence of the Teen Titans, and several jokes about chicken butts.)

Now that has been settled and it has been clearly established that I have, again, seen absolutely zero minutes of these movies, I give you my summaries/reviews of the eight films vying for the Academy Award Best Picture prize.