Auf Wiedersehen, College Fund

Mrs. Seal, The Model Known as Heidi Klum, The Project Runway axe-lady... 

 

I am not sure how to address you, but I have to discuss something with you. I know that you have a line of "active-wear" clothes that you are hawking on amazon.com. In fact, I will be nice and include a link to the collection here. 

If you wouldn't mind, could you explain a couple of things to me?

 

My first question is this - Why the HELL are you doing that 80s Flashdance-esque jump on the front page? I know models sometimes do weird things to get "the shot," but this is a little disturbing. Your face looks a little like Skeletor with a rug. And exactly what exercise or activity are you supposedly performing in that pose? It looks as if you stumbled upon a trampoline and camera and said, "Let's go take a picture!" Most people I know will not be in that situation anytime soon, so I am not sure to whom this photo is appealing.

My second question, and last question (albeit with several offshoots) is this - $78 for SWEAT PANTS???

 

What???!!! I understand marketing and since it is your line people will want to be associated with the clothes. While I have never been a slave to fashion myself, I understand the importance to wear someone. So part of the price is due to your name. I get that.
I also understand that the fancy advertising people are trying to make women think they will look like you. Even in your Crouching Tiger, Hidden Sweatpants photo here, women want to look like you. So I get that too... 

But... $78????!!!!!!!! Do you personally sweat in each of them so geeks can try to clone you? (I am avoiding all the other (and perverted) reasons people would want Heidi Klum sweaty pants.) 

In addition to the outrageous price tag, these sweat pants are horribly ugly! Target has better stuff that has fallen off their clearance rack and run over by too many carts to count for about 99% off your price. 

 

Now, I've been told that they are comfortable. That is good to know, because normally sweat pants are really difficult. I think they are second only to a corset as far as discomfort. For the love of Cindy Crawford, they are freaking sweat pants! Of COURSE they are comfortable...

Maybe they are magic sweat pants. Do they sweat for you? Do you put them on and they make you work out at a level only Hershel Walker and Jared from Subway understand? Do they sing? Maybe they can make your morning coffee? Perhaps, somewhere in a secret German laboratory, the technology was developed for these sweat pants to be put on TWO legs at a time?

But I doubt it. They just look like sweat pants to me. Gray sweat pants. Psychiatric ward gray sweat pants.

But wait! (Mr. Popeil would be so proud!) These are not just any sweatpants! These sweatpants have a drawstring! NOW how much would you pay? 

Drawstring sweat pants... Really? Honestly? You are too cheap to even put a little bit of elastic in the waistband? 

So these sweat pants are basically big ass (I think you call it "balloon") sweat pants in some sort of fungus gray color with a shoelace stitched into it. For $78! 

 

My head hurts...

You know who I think about when I think about sweatpants? Someone who looks like Kevin Smith, sitting in his mom's basement, celebrating his 35th birthday by having an all night World of Warcraft party, online, with half-swallowed cans of Red Bull and Monster Energy drinks scattered about the room. Somewhere, under the pile of dirty tighty-whiteys, there is the sound of a very sad cat... This is the person who wears sweat pants regularly. And his job at the local Piggly Wiggly doesn't pay him enough to buy your sweat pants for rich people!

But perhaps that is your market... rich people who would like to slum for a while. What better way to feel like the disenfranchised than by walking around in ill-fitting sweat pants? Maybe I have stumbled onto something...

 

But you seem to be promoting this line to "regular people," so again, I must ask - $78??? Shouldn't I just save the cash and join a gym for a few months? However, it could help excuses to the spouse. Honey, I can't go to the gym. We can't afford it because we bought sweat pants.  

 

Or maybe they could help get the banking industry back in shape. Yes, Mr. Banker, we would like to take out a second mortgage to pay for some gray sweat pants. No, not sweat pants worn by Jennifer Gray. No, not sweat pants that were a prop on Gray's Anatomy. Just sweat pants that Heidi Klum is selling. No, sir, she doesn't come with the sweat pants. But look at this! They have a drawstring!!!!