April 1, 2010 - Fisher Price Announces New "Apology Elmo" Doll

Dear Elmo,

I am so happy to hear about the newest Elmo doll you have convinced Fisher Price to release! An "Apology Elmo" doll is a great idea! I can not wait to get one. I will probably buy them as gifts for everyone I know. I am impressed by your willingness to issue this "Apology Elmo" doll, as it is very much needed in the world today.

From what I understand, "Apology Elmo" stands behind a microphone and a podium which bears the emblem of Sesame Street. When you press the hand of "Apology Elmo," Elmo giggles ashamedly and proceeds to apologize for his crimes against humanity. The list of apologies include:

• Teaching children incorrect methods of speech, such as referring to oneself in the third person ALL THE TIME!
• Making children believe that goldfish can talk.
• Associating with undesirable characters, who may or may not be peeping tom perverts or pedophiles who float outside second story windows (I'm looking at you, Mr. Noodle).
• Ageism - by taking up so much time on Sesame Street, thus forcing more experienced and well-liked Muppets to seek residence in homeless shelters.
• For turning Bert into a terrorist. 

 

• For annoying small children everywhere with inane questions they can not answer.
• For existing.

In a prepared statement issued by Elmo's agent, Elmo has agreed to the release of the "Apology Elmo" doll and is "extremely apologetic that his attempts at entertaining and educating the youth of the world has been twisted and manipulated by hateful individuals clamoring for attention. Instead of seeking legal remedies for such attacks on his character, Elmo has decided to take the higher ground and make amends. Through the help and support of his spiritual guide and multiple mental health experts, Elmo understands and apologizes for how others have misinterpreted and sullied his actions. None of this was intended, and Elmo is very sorry. Elmo has undergone therapy in an undisclosed clinic for his narcissism and believes it is now under control.

In addition, Elmo would like everyone to purchase another new Elmo doll, "Svengali Elmo." The proceeds from these sales will help establish "The Elmo Fund for Furthering the Betterment of the World Through the Teachings of Elmo" and also fund the "Elmo War Chest Designed to Bring About the End of All Humanity As We Know It." Elmo hopes you accept his "Apology Elmo" doll in the spirit it was intended."

The released statement concludes by saying, "Elmo still loves all of you. Elmo wishes that you will all continue to love Elmo through this trying time. Elmo would hate to have to exterminate all of you as he will have need for slaves in Elmo's World. Thank you."

Well... I guess true repentance is a process.

Sincerely,
me