Rantings, Ravings, and Writings: Elmo for Sale

Dear Elmo -

I asked nicely. I pleaded with you. I even offered suggestions on how to avoid infuriating me further. Yet you insisted. You pushed your luck. You chose to continue down a path that will surely lead to your demise. At my hands. Make no mistake about it, Elmo, your end is coming.

Perhaps you are wondering what prompted this outrage today? After all, I have left you alone for a while. Well, frankly, I am very disappointed and disturbed by your image marketing. Particularly in the toy department.

I am sure most people are familiar with your attempt to ruin Christmas in 1996 when you came out with your Tickle Me Elmo doll. By positioning it as the "must have" toy of the season, you created an environment for regularly nice adults to fight and extort each other for the dolls. You even caused a riot (actually, more of a stampede) in Canada that year over your Tickle Me Elmo doll. And Canadians are normally very calm and rational. In addition, this Canadian riot caused a poor sales clerk at Wal-Mart to suffer multiple injuries, included what People magazine called a pulled hamstring, back, jaw, and knee injuries, a broken rib, and a concussion. All because this individual tried to sell your evil doll.

It has been over 13 years now since you unleashed Tickle Me Elmo on the world, so maybe I have become a bit desensitized to it. But the concept is disturbing in and of itself. This is a doll that requests that children tickle it to the point of insanity. Elmo, you are supposed to be 3 years old. I understand that your obnoxious giggle is your trademark, but there has to be other ways to giggle rather than teaching children inappropriate touching. That's just sick, Elmo.

Then, in 2006, you came out with TMX, the NEW Tickle Me Elmo doll, that takes tickling to the extreme! This version of you was even more disturbing. Apparently this doll didn't just giggle and enjoy the inappropriate touching, but rolled around on the floor, hitting the ground, laughing but begging for the tickling to stop. BEGGING to stop! Congratulations, Elmo. Your dolls have evolved from encouraging simple molestation to encouraging full-on tickle rape.

(Since I am focusing on your offensive and disturbing tickle line of toys, I will skip past your Elmo Live doll. I will only point out that this doll is billed as the most "life like" Elmo doll. Life like??? You are a Muppet!!! Also, I will skip past the Elmo Knows Your Name doll, where you can download a child's name and favorite activities into Elmo's brain so he can incorporate them when talking. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't want Elmo knowing my name. Why didn't they just name that doll Stalker Elmo???)

This next toy made me stop in the middle of the store and just stare with my mouth agape. An Elmo Giggle and Shake Chair? Are you kidding me? It isn't enough to have a doll of you that enjoys being molested, but now you have shape-shifted into a chair so unsuspecting children can SIT ON YOU and be tickled and shaken? Are you registered as a sex offender on Sesame Street? Because if not, someone should really look into that.

Now, if having children SIT ON YOU wasn't enough of a sign, the next toy I saw surely was a Freudian nightmare. An Elmo Giggle Vacuum? And don't claim that it wasn't your idea. We all know it was your sick mind that came up with this toy. By slapping Cookie Monster's face on the back of it doesn't make it any less disturbing. I hope Cookie Monster sues the crap out of you for forcing him to be part of your plan for the moral decay of today's youth.

What's wrong with a Giggle Vacuum, you ask? If I have to spell it out for you, think about what it is that vacuums do. They SUCK up dirt.

Let's take a brief moment and review... We have a doll that encourages inappropriate touching. We have another doll that encourages tickle rape. We have a "chair" that encourages children to SIT ON ELMO. And finally we have a "vacuum" where Elmo SUCKS things. Does anyone see a pattern here? A disturbing, disgusting pattern?

Finally, I saw a toy that left me speechless for hours. No kidding. I was struck dumb by the mere existence of such a product, especially as it is marketed towards children. If it is going to be sold, it should be sold either out of the back of a El Camino or in the seedy back room at the local adult bookstore. In all honesty, I can not do the depth of this depravity justice. Just look for yourself.